Tolerating Lies: How Many Chances Are Too Many?

It's a question that can weigh heavily on the heart: how many chances do we give someone who repeatedly lies? I’m not perfect, and I know it’s not fair to hold someone to an unrealistic standard when I, too, make mistakes. Maybe I am the problem. After all, they only lie when they drink, right? If only I could be less reactive and more understanding. They have so many wonderful qualities when they aren’t lying. They lie to protect themselves from shame—this is a reason, not an excuse. Why do I keep falling into the same trap again and again?

Several Reasons We Tolerate a Pattern of Lying:

1. Love and Attachment: Deep emotional bonds can make it difficult to let go, even when trust is repeatedly broken.

2. Emotional Dependency: The fear of being alone or not finding someone else can keep you invested in the relationship.

3. Hope for Change: We might believe the dishonesty is temporary, that things will get better with time.

4. Emotional Manipulation: The other person may gaslight you, make you feel guilty, or love-bomb you to keep you in the relationship.

5. Low Self-Esteem: A part of you may believe you don’t deserve anything better.

6. Denial: Some of us downplay the severity of the lies to avoid confronting painful truths.

7. Practical Factors: Shared finances, family pressures, or uncertainty about the future might make it harder to walk away.

8. Personal Beliefs: You might hold beliefs like "separation is not an option," or feel that forgiveness is paramount.

Being in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of lying is emotionally exhausting and destructive. Over time, we lose touch with our core needs, desires, and sense of self.

Whatever the reason, being in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of lying is emotionally exhausting and destructive. Over time, we lose touch with our core needs, desires, and sense of self. The constant anxiety of waiting for the next lie makes it impossible to enjoy the present. The emotional toll manifests in disturbed sleep, insomnia, and an ongoing feeling of being out of alignment with your authentic self. 

Just when you start to believe things are going well, a wave of dishonesty crashes down on you, leaving you disoriented, angry, sad, or defeated. It’s a vicious cycle, and you may wonder why you keep falling into the same trap despite the obvious toll it’s taking.

“U-Turn” Toward Peace & Clarity:

Instead of trying to change your partner’s behavior, it’s time for a “U-turn”—focus on understanding why YOU continue to tolerate the lies. 

In his work, Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, explains that our "Self" is an inherent state of wisdom, compassion, and goodness, distinct from the "parts" (thoughts, feelings, and beliefs) that make up our internal system. When we’re living from our authentic self, we feel calm, compassionate, curious, clear headed, courageous, creative, confident—and connected. These are known as the eight "C’s" of IFS. 

If you’re experiencing tension or distress, it’s a sign that you are not living from your authentic self but from one of your "parts"—a protector that may be trying to shield you from perceived threats. 

Steps to Take on Your Journey Toward Clarity:

Step 1: The “U-Turn”

Check in with yourself. How does your body feel? Are you holding tension? What beliefs about yourself and others are influencing your reactions? If you're feeling anything other than the eight "C's," proceed to Step 2.

Step 2: Connect with Your "Parts

Have a compassionate, curious dialogue with the parts of yourself that are upset. What are they afraid of? What do they need from you to feel safe? Do they need boundaries? Time to relax?

Step 3: Practice Self-Compassion

Reassure your upset parts that you can take care of them. Let them know they’ve always been precious and worthy of love.

Step 4: Invite Your Fearful Parts Into the Light

Let your protective parts know that they can trust your authentic self to lead. For example, my angry part now agrees to signal when I need to set a boundary before anger escalates.

Step 5: Release Old Beliefs

Allow your parts to release outdated beliefs or burdens, like feeling unworthy of love or incapable of living independently. Let these parts release those beliefs, perhaps to an element like wind or fire, or some other meaningful way.

Next Steps:

After gaining clarity through this process, focus on what you can control. These are the actions you can take for your own well-being. Maybe it’s setting boundaries, strengthening social connections, improving financial independence, or seeking therapy. Reassess your well-being pillars—sleep, nutrition, exercise, and social connections—and adjust where needed.

How Many Chances Are Too Many?

That’s a deeply personal question, and the answer depends on many factors: the context of the lie, the relationship dynamics, intent, frequency, and whether the person is taking responsibility and working to rebuild trust. 

Ultimately, the path to emotional wellness and clarity starts with reconnecting with your authentic self. Once you understand why you’ve tolerated the lies, you can strengthen your core and move forward in alignment with your values. You have the power to decide what you will or won’t tolerate in your life. 

Lying erodes trust, and if left unaddressed, it leads to toxic relationships, both with others and with yourself. You are worthy of a healthy, fulfilling relationship—one that starts with a connection to your authentic self.

To learn more about how to reconnect with your authentic self read, Daily Practice for Self: Connection: My Internal Family Check-In. If you need help on your journey, contact me to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. 

Disclaimer: If you fear for your safety or are in immediate danger, please seek safety first. Once safe, therapy can help you in healing and reclaiming your sense of self. Please reach out to a trusted professional or support hotline if you need urgent assistance.

For immediate emotional support or practical help for domestic violence:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233
Online chat: www.thehotline.org