Daily Practice for Self-Connection: My Internal Family Systems Check-In

After explaining Internal Family Systems (IFS) to my clients, I encourage them to make it a way of being with themselves outside of my office—a way of life. Just like when we walk into a room full of family or friends, we check in: "Hi Mom, what’s up?" or "Hey Jim what happened when you asked Sally out?" or "How did the performance review go?" You get the point.

Our internal family needs the same attention. If we want to stay connected, calm, and compassionate toward ourselves and others, as well as to cultivate clarity, confidence, creativity, courage, and curiosity (also known as the 8 C’s of IFS), we need to nurture it—otherwise known as being Self-Led.

Often, clients return to my office and share that they didn’t quite make checking in a daily practice. However, they do check in when they're feeling distraught, which is a great start! It’s progress—a beginning of greater Self-awareness. But just like our external relationships, we thrive, not merely survive, when we invest in ongoing quality time and emotional connection. So, why is it so hard for us to invest time in ourselves?

For me, there are many reasons. I sleep too late and have to hit the ground running. I focus on other people's needs at the expense of my own. Yes, I’m a recovering people-pleaser—and that's a whole other topic! Life just gets in the way.

Today, I have a lot of work waiting for me in my office. In fact, writing this blog was at the top of my to-do list. So, I decided to kill two birds with one stone and share what a daily practice could look like. Let’s dive into my inner world—Reader, meet my internal family. I’m not sure how many are around today, so let’s see...

Self Connection: Requires Moments of Stillness to Connect with Your Internal Family

Hi, family. I’m home. What’s going on?

I quiet myself, close my eyes to help me go inside, and take a few deep breaths. As I scan my body, I feel a radiating sensation in my belly. My mind is very active—thinking about work, but more pressing are all the unknowns in different areas of my life. Is the radiating feeling in my belly and my overactive mind two separate parts? I’m not sure. I need more Self-energy to figure that out.

I take a few more deep breaths. I don’t want to be blended with these parts. I want to witness them, separate from them, and lead them. So, I keep breathing and ask the parts to sit at the end of the bed.

There are two parts: my overthinking part and my fearful part. They’re working together, like a team.

I notice that I’m annoyed with my overthinking part because it kept me from a good night’s sleep. Annoyance is another part of me, so I ask the annoyed part to relax so I can have a conversation with the overthinking part from a place of openness and curiosity. It agrees.

A Conversation with My Overthinking Part

Me to the overthinking part: "Hi, overthinker. Thank you for trying to protect me. I know your intentions are good. That said, when you go overboard, it becomes counterproductive. What’s going on? What are you worried about?"

Overthinker: "There’s a lot going on, and you’re not ready for everything that could happen if this happens or that happens. We need to be prepared for all possible outcomes."

Me: "Yes, I know there’s a lot going on, and I can see you’re concerned that I won’t be prepared for whatever outcome. What are you afraid will happen if you don’t keep doing your job?"

Overthinker: "That’s obvious: you won’t be prepared and you’ll fail."

At this point, I sense my inner critic is starting to make its presence known.

Me to the critic: "Critic, can you relax and step back for a bit? I need some space to be with the overthinking part."

The critic agrees.

Me to the overthinking part: "I understand. You don’t want me to fail. What do you think will happen if I do fail?"

Overthinker: "Someone could get hurt—or even die."

Me: "I see now why you’ve been keeping me up at night. How old do you think I am?"

Overthinker: "Four."

Me: "Actually, I’m 61. Look at me now—see my grown children, my professional and personal life, my home, all my growth, agency, independence, life experience, and wisdom."

At this, the overthinking part sighs and relaxes a bit.

Me: "Is there anything else you want me to know?"

Overthinker: "I don’t ever want you to be in a position where you’re caught off guard, threatened, abandoned, or scared for your or someone else’s survival."

Me: "It makes sense now why you’ve been working so hard. Is it okay if I meet the part that you’re protecting?"

Overthinker: "Yes."

Meeting the Fearful Part

Now, I meet the exile (the part of me carrying childhood wounds), which I originally sensed in my belly—the fearful part.

Me: "Hello, little Kelley. I’m here for you. You’re not alone. What are you remembering? I imagine it’s a time when you were terrified, worried you wouldn’t survive, and felt alone and powerless?"

Fearful One: "Yes."

Me: "Tell me what you’re seeing, feeling, and what you believed about yourself."

The fearful part shares a painful childhood memory where she felt abandoned, ashamed and powerless. I offer soothing words and compassion.

Me: "You have always been precious and worthy of love. You are not alone now. I’m here for you, and I will never leave you. You are safe."

The fearful part softens. She lets me embrace and rock her.

Me: "You don’t have to stay in this terrible situation. Would you like to be released from it?"

Fearful One: "Yes!"

She comes into the light, entering a safe place filled with happy children where she can play and be free.

Me: "You don’t need to carry the burden of fear anymore. Are you ready to release it?"

Fearful One: "Yes!"

She lights up like an angel, radiating energy, with sparkling balls of light (the burdens) floating up to the heavens.

Bringing the Overthinking Part Back Into Balance

I turn back to the overthinking part and notice that he (for some reason, this part feels masculine) is much more relaxed.

Me: "Now that you’ve seen me care for the fearful part, would you like to take on a less extreme role?"

Overthinker: "That would be great. I see now that you can handle things better than I realized. Good to know you’re 61 and not 4. I’d like to act as an advisor when I think you’re getting off track."

Me: "That sounds perfect! And would you agree to work from 9 am to 5 pm? I’d like to sleep better."

Overthinker: "I’d like that."

Me: "Thank you, all of you, for being parts of me and for trusting me to keep us safe."

As I finish writing this blog, I notice I’m much more relaxed. That tightness in my belly is gone. I’m still thinking about everything on my desk, but now with clarity, not frantic energy.

I’m recommitting to my internal family, that I will make time to check in with them throughout the day, to see who needs attention. I thank them for protecting me and ensuring my survival, and I remind them that, as they grow to trust me, we will thrive.